Criticism (of the constructive variant) is the nicest thing you can give someone.  Receiving criticism in the hot seat changed my life.  I love criticism. I want you to love criticism too. But currently, it is widely misunderstood.

Do you want proof that criticism is misunderstood by the masses?  I’ve got it for you right now.  This happened just three days ago.

In a recent #blogchat on Twitter, there was a tweet going around that was being retweeted and agreed with enthusiastically and nearly unanimously.  I think it was the most retweeted statement in the entire #blogchat session.  It bothered me.  I vehemently disagreed with it.

The setting: Four bloggers were having their blogs reviewed and critiqued/criticized by the many #blogchat participants.

The bothersome comment: “A standing ovation for those who bravely volunteered to have their blogs reviewed.” (paraphrased unless my memory is perfect)

My response: “Why?  I would PAY to have this.  This is a privilege!”

In my mind, it was as if these individuals had been given a $1,000 check and were being praised for cashing it.  We should have congratulated them instead. They were the most fortunate of all bloggers that night – getting constructive criticism from a multitude of intelligent bloggers. Companies spend money on surveys for a reason – feedback is valuable.

I understand that it can be difficult to be told that something related to you is imperfect, but it is no reason to receive a trophy or standing ovation.  This minor discomfort is displaced by the avalanche of honor and usefulness of the criticism.  The blogchat session showed me how twisted peoples’ perception of constructive criticism is.

Love Your Neighbor As Yourself

Most people are familiar with the phrase, “love your neighbor as yourself.”  But how many of them understand what it means?  Love is broader than romance and deeper than “being nice.”  Sometimes love might literally mean slapping someone in the face. Loving others is acting in their best interest, even if nobody enjoys it.

And how do you love yourself?  You take care of yourself.  You work hard to stay in shape and eat well to take care of your body. You push yourself to succeed in areas of importance.  You brush your teeth and bathe.  You don’t say, “I’m fine without food,” when you’re starving to death.  Don’t think you’re loving others when you tell them everything is fine (or fail to say anything) when their life is a mess.

There have been many times that I have taken criticism of others too far.  Specifically, I am still learning how to criticize others in a fruitful and loving way. My personality leans towards “brutal honesty” and sometimes I forget that my love of criticism is not shared amongst the entire human race.  I have met very few people that openly enjoy being criticized.

A Personal Example

One time, I criticized a person for how they were living – we’ll call her Jane.  I did it because I cared about Jane, but the way in which I did it offended her.  When she pointed out my harsh criticism as being unacceptable, I told her about my belief that criticism was important and essential for growth.

Jane: “So what, you want me to just say what I think about you?”

Me: “Yes!”

Ok Jane...I get it.

After I finally convinced her that she could “let me have it,” she did not hold back!  She told me that I often came across as arrogant, abrasive, and a know-it-all.  She said I seemed to think that I was perfect and had all of the answers.  You can imagine I was immediately defensive on the inside.  On the outside, I told her that I would think about it so as to avoid “instant hypocrite” status.  😛

Once I got over myself (an important life skill), I realized that I needed to listen to what was being said about me as it was vitally important feedback.  When I decided to have an open mind about the truth of her statements, I learned a lot from them.  I didn’t see myself in that way, but at least one other person did.  Since then, I have been much more careful about how I criticize others (I still mess up) so that I don’t come across in this way.

Personal Development

Personal development is dead a popular and important concept.  It is the idea that we can improve ourselves through learning and gaining experience.  Possibly the most important source of information that we can learn about ourselves from is other people.  We are so familiar with ourselves that we don’t realize all of the flaws we possess.  Not only is it difficult for us to see them when we’re looking, but sometimes we subconsciously blind ourselves to our imperfections because we aren’t comfortable with them.

When a friend takes the time to point out a potential life hazard or an inconsistency they see in our beliefs and actions, they are doing us a great favor.

Another reason to seek the opinion of others is perception.  You might not be arrogant, but what if everyone around you perceives you as such?  Habits and mannerisms convey a large amount of information that we’re not always intending to broadcast.  When we communicate verbally or non-verbally and the interpretation is incorrect, there is a misunderstanding.

Understanding Misunderstanding

Misunderstanding is perception failing to match reality.

• It happens in sports – Tom Brady was perceived and selected as 6th round talent and he already has three Super Bowl wins.
• It happens with Justin Beiber – Justin is perceived by teenage girls as a super-human when he is just a little boy with some musical talent and interesting hair.
• It happens with people in conversation – you think she’s stuck up, but she’s just shy.

Misunderstanding happens on a daily basis, and it is yet another reason why criticism is very important.  You might find that criticism reveals a misconception that you had about the person.  In that case, your view of that person is made more accurate.  If your criticism was based on the correct perception, then the person has a chance to benefit from an outside perspective.

I hope that I have made a case for criticism being important and beneficial.  Criticism is a sensitive area for many people, and that is why we need to know how to do it effectively.  The next post – part II – will be on how to criticize others effectively and lovingly.  I hope you’ll stick around to criticize it.

How do you deal with giving and/or receiving criticism?  Do you like it?

Part Two: How To Criticize Others Without Ruining Everything

We know that multi-tasking makes us unproductive when we choose to be productive.  But why do we sometimes choose not to be productive in the first place?

Intentions are positive and motivation is decent, but when it comes to daily living, we may find ourselves watching Youtube videos, lurking on Facebook, or tweeting our lives away. After pondering over and analyzing my own activities of time-wasting and procrastination, I have discovered the reason that I and so many others do it instead of engaging in productive tasks.

Productivity’s benefits are not fully or even mostly realized in the same day tasks are accomplished. There is often some benefit (such as the sense of satisfaction), but it typically fails to meet the satisfaction gained from “shooting the breeze” on the web or elsewhere. We will always act in our own best interest, and this is a case where we fool ourselves.

The Thinker vs. The Barbarian

If we’re not actively engaged in deep thinking, we will process and decide on daily events in the following barbaric, over-simplified manner.

Productive tasks:

• Results are often delayed
• They are more work than play

Unproductive tasks:

• Results are immediate
• They are more play than work

This over-simplified comparison the brain runs through in a non-active mind is the one reason you are unproductive.  Your brain actually believes that watching funny youtube videos for an hour is better for you than brainstorming ideas for writing a book or starting a company.  It immediately sees the value in enjoying youtube, facebook, or twitter;  but unless your mind is active, it will fail to quantify the value of things like studying for an exam or cleaning one section of a messy house.

It takes mental effort to consider individual parts’ value if their value is attached to a larger whole. For example, in writing this blog post, the real value is that it will be an integral part of my library of content – helping people for years to come.  On its own in the present, the value is fairly limited as my blog is young and my audience is relatively small.

Stop Looking At The Big Picture

It seems like a good idea to view the big picture because we can align all of our actions with it, right?  No!  The big picture is something you glance at in order to make sure you’re doing things correctly.  Think of a jigsaw puzzle.

Life is a puzzle. Not because it needs to be solved, but because it has so many individual components that shape it.

In a jigsaw puzzle, the big picture on the box serves as the point of reference.  You cannot stare at the box for a long time and then put the pieces together from memory.  You cannot stare at the box while moving the pieces into place blindly.  No, most of the time you’re looking at the small pieces and seeing how they fit together, occasionally glancing at the box to see where they fit within the big picture.

Life is no different than this.  The big picture is something to be glanced out, but we need to focus on the 1,000 parts that make it up.  These tiny pieces are so small and seemingly worthless on their own, but when combined over time they form a beautiful (or not) “big picture” of your life.

Black belts got to that level from thousands of small decisions that formed a chain of cohesive intention to get a black belt.  The big picture shows a black belt and the details show daily decisions to work hard and maintain focus towards accomplishing the goal.

Reward Your Productivity

After I finish this article, I’m going to play NBA Showtime on Nintendo 64 as a short break and reward for my productivity.  After that, I intend to exercise to continue my productive day (which also includes another guest post submission to Problogger).  Being an active thinker, I can see that my actions today are building a very meaningful and exciting tomorrow.  I still engage in social media and entertainment, but it is no longer at the expense of important productive tasks.

Don’t make barbaric decisions based on over-simplified information.  Think actively and choose the daily activities that will connect together and lead to the picture you want to see on the jigsaw puzzle box of life!  If you focus on the box itself, you won’t see how each piece connects and the picture will stay a dream rather than moving forward to becoming a reality.

Change your thinking.  Change your life.

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We’re all the same and love is blind.  ~ The Killers (Change Your Mind)

Five years ago, a few of us from my college were talking with a homeless man for a while, just listening to his story. He explained how a divorce with his wife eventually led to him being homeless.  Another man we talked with flat out told us that he chose to be homeless and liked it more! He mentioned the freedom of having no bills or responsiblities. An intriguing perspective to say the least.

While in high school, my sister said that a guy told her he thought I was stuck up. I was floored and upset because of how opposite I was from that – I was painfully SHY.  Shyness is often confused for egotism.

I know each of you have examples in your own life of your first impressions being completely wrong of others.  It is still difficult not to put labels on people when they choose to label themselves. For example, those who dress goth, emo, thug, homeless, business, and ballet dancer are associating themselves with everyone else who dresses that way.

Labeling Others: Why Do We Do It?

Do you see how different the stories were of those homeless men?  Why then, would we affix a single label to them that defines them in our minds?

Humans prefer to know things.  We use science to try to understand everything about the world we live in.  We want to know how that hummingbird is hovering so steadily and why puffer fish are so poisonous.   Those examples have traceable causes.  Hummingbirds flap their wings up to 90 times per second. Puffer fish are believed to get their poison from their diet, as scientists at Nagasaki University have bred poison-free puffer fish by controlling the fishes’ diet.

Did you know that hummingbirds (and other birds and insects) get lift from both the down stroke and the up stroke of their wings?

Our desire to understand our world is what causes this unfortunate problem.  When we see a stranger, instead of logically accepting them as a complete question mark, we’ll make a quick judgment by observing their attire, gait, demeanor, and activity.  Like the science examples, humans have some traceable causes for who they are.  But there are so many variables in our lives that affect each other in complex ways that it is impossible to fully understand why any one person is the way that they are.

Scale It Back

There is absolutely nothing wrong with being observant.  For example, I’ve found that observing yourself is the best way to destroy bad habits.  Having an active mind and observing your surroundings is a great way to learn.

Like many things in life, we need to seek out the middle ground here.  Humans like extremes, but they are rarely the best option.  Do not label anyone so thoroughly that you don’t leave room for a change of opinion.  At the same time, I must advise against walking up to a gang and asking them if they’d like to go ballroom dancing with you.

Everyone Has A Story

We are a fantastic species.  We are all unique with our own hopes, dreams, fears, and insecurities.  More importantly, we all have a story.  If you want your life to be a whole lot more fascinating, start asking strangers what their story is.  Even the most hardened hearts will often soften when someone takes an interest in their story instead of their criminal record or why they wear socks with sandals.

We are drawn to stories.  Movies, books, video games, plays…they are based on story.  If you’re a Christian like I am, you believe humans are a key part of an amazing story of creation and redemption.  If you’re a naturalist, you believe we’re the most capable species in part of the incredible story of life ex nihilo.

Any way you slice it, humans are part of a larger and smaller (personal) story. At this basic level, we’re all in the same boat.  I think Bob Marley was on to something.

I might write about my story on here (or as a book) someday, but right now I would love to hear your thoughts on this post.  And if you’re willing, I would love to hear your story right now (as brief or lengthy as you wish to share).  Feel free to leave it as a comment or use the contact form to email it to me if you’d rather not share it with everyone else.

This song had me in tears just now. It is by one of my favorite bands – Keane. To me, it speaks of a person wanting nothing more than to be understood. Deep down, that’s all of us.

So be understood…

What’s your story?