A Woman Rejected Me Today

Vulnerability is great!  Anyways…

I’m in a strange mood right now. I was just rejected as a Facebook friend by a woman I’ve never met. I’m surprised at the amount I’m being affected by such an objectively trivial event.  I’ve never met her.  It’s a Facebook friend rejection. What is wrong with me?

The Story

My parents went to Olive Garden and must have talked to their waitress. She goes to UNC Charlotte and so my parents mentioned me (I graduated from UNCC last year) and that I was moving back into the area and to look me up on Facebook. So she did and sent me a friend request along with a message explaining the situation.

I replied.

She defriended me afterwords.

I can only guess as to the reason for the defriending – but it happened. My response to her was not anything crazy, I assure you.  I wasn’t coming on to her or anything of the sort.  Still, I figure I must’ve said something that she didn’t like.

This is affecting me because I found her to be attractive. My thought afterwards: “It’s as if she is speaking on the behalf of every woman I’m attracted to out there, and I’ve been voted out as a candidate.” Devastating news, isn’t it?  See how my mind amplified that to an unbelievable size?

I am very intrigued by this irrational overreaction.  Honestly, I actually have a pretty high “batting average” with women I’ve pursued, but the number I have pursued is very small.  When you have a small number of attempts, the stakes are raised. This is a key reason I tend to amplify any hint of rejection in this area.

EDIT:  Considering the typical behavior of humans my age, I want clarify that “batting average” in no way refers to scoring sexually with a woman.  I am a virgin.  I simply meant reciprocal interest.

The Rejection King

I was talking to one of my best friends (a cousin of mine) the other night about women (men do this sometimes).  He said that there was this guy that decided on his own accord to be rejected by 75 women in one day.  He stood at the bottom of an escalator and just asked female after female out to dinner.

 

Fishing OBX

There are so many fish out there. There are more fish than women, but there are still a decent number of women out there (women not pictured).

His goal was to gain the courage to be able to ask a girl out that he liked.  After being served up some rejections (and probably positive responses too – to which I don’t know his response), there was a woman that came down the escalator that he really wouldn’t mind taking out to dinner, which made him very nervous.  He decided instead to just go ahead and call the girl he liked.  He had reached the equivalent difficulty on the escalator, so he figured why not just ask her out.

He experienced more rejection by women in that one day than I have in my lifetime.  It is much better to be in his shoes.  Raising the stakes is rarely a good thing unless they need to be raised (like in the 4th quarter).  If the stakes are high, then you will try to be so perfect that you’ll end up terrified of making a mistake.  When you’re trying to be perfect, you’re not trying to be yourself – which is not genuine and not good for relationships.

I have found that it really is best to lower the stakes. It looks something like this…

Ok, say I am attracted to a woman –  that doesn’t mean I have to be perfect around her.  I can simply talk to her without any ulterior motives of making her want to marry me.  This way I’ll get to know her and we can possibly develop a friendship – the valuable cornerstone for all personal relationships.

This is easier to say than to practice, of course.  When your stomach is full of butterflies and subsequently moves up into your throat while you’re trying to seem smooth, it gets difficult to concentrate on a conversation.  This reaction should ease as you realize that even the most attractive people are still flawed humans like the rest of us.

My next step of course is to actually meet women (I do want to find a life partner after all) so that I can be rejected in person instead of via Facebook.  Since I learned something through this experience, I wish I could “like” the defriending I received.  I didn’t see a like button for that.  Come on Facebook!

If you thought you could escape without a bigger life lesson, you were correct until I realized the life lesson.  This real life example speaks of the importance of making an effort to do currently uncomfortable things to get what you truly desire out of life.  The more times you experience failure in an area, the more you’re going to learn.  In addition, each new failure or rejection will have less sting than the last – like in the failure king example.

I think most people know this, but for me – I didn’t “get it” until I tried living it. I’m stepping outside of the safety lines by focusing on this blog instead of my “career.”

Imagine a fisherman who casts his line in the water once every 4 years.  He really wants a fish.  If he doesn’t catch a fish on that cast, his failure is amplified because he fishes so rarely.  He tries infrequently enough to scare him, but not frequently enough to teach him.  He isn’t willing to fail initially and so he fails incessantly.

About the Author

I'm lazy, but you can call me Stephen. When you're as lazy as I am, you need superior strategies to live well. My strategies are so effective that I'm productive every single day. As the world tries to figure out how to always stay motivated, I create strategies that don't require it.

A. Irvin

The fear of failure – excellent blog lesson, Stephen. LOL @ the caption – “women not pictured.”

sguise

Hahaha, I like to sneak in things like that to see if readers are paying attention. You passed Angela! 😀

mrmaps

i can identify with this. What stuck me though Stephen, is the honesty and openness with which you continue to address the world. I could rant on about problems with the fairer sex and my distinct inability to communicate clearly to them but mostly i wanted to convey a thanks for the lesson in openness.

I was sent this blog post yesterday and i think you might get something of value out of it.
http://www.raynicholls.com/2011/04/18/a-good-name/

sguise

Honesty and openness is the way I have chosen to go about my life (and blog). I want to be vulnerable so that I’m not so vulnerable. The ability to be vulnerable is a lack of pride. Pride says to the world – “I’m flawless.” Vulnerability says, “I’m flawed but that’s ok.”

I’m obviously going to write a post on this. 😛

Wow, that article was great! Thanks for that. That guy was the best grandparent ever!

Joe Barlow

The escalator strategy sounds like an effective tactic to build up courage. As uncomfortable as it might be, venturing outside one’s comfort zone on a regular basis is a great way to build up not only self-confidence but an immunity to rejection. Sorry that the waitress unfriended you, but you got a terrific blog post out of it! 🙂

-j.

sguise

Thanks Joe,

It is a(n unusual) goal of mine to embrace rejection. I think we can learn so much from it, especially if we know why we are rejected. The escalator strategy would definitely be an uncomfortable experience! I’m not sure I could do it presently. I’m glad you enjoyed the post!

Joe

Stephen, saw your guest post on Problogger and really enjoyed your writing style. I appreciated your honesty also. I think that – and your sense of humor is what makes a great blog. I’m going to pass you along on Facebook 🙂

Joe

sguise

Joe, that is one of the highest compliments I’ve received on my writing. Both the writing style and honesty/humor comments. I am aiming for excellence in all of those, so it means a lot to me. Thank you!

Also, I love the concept of your website. I’ll have to take a look around!

Joe

Stephen thanks for the kind words. Do keep up the writing. you add good stuff to the blogosphere 🙂

sguise

Thanks Joe. I sent you an email but I’m not sure if it went through or not.

Joe

Stephen I dont think I got it.

Archan Mehta

Stephen,

If there is one thing you gotta understand, my friend, is that “Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus.” Yes, just like the book. Who in darn tarnation is the author–Dr.John Gray? I am not sure, but there is a gender difference and it boils down to one word–communication.

Man, if you think you have women problems, check out my litany of woes and grievances. Women and I don’t communicate well at all. As a guy, all I want is the company of other guys, take-out pizza, beer and the sports channel–it’s a guy thing. And guys are in heaven in a guy’s pad.

Then, a woman walks into a room and she asks, “How was your day, honey?” Wrong question. Worse, she is eager to “let’s talk about my feelings.” Man, I outta here. Where’s the exit?
I’m like: dude, where did the Amazon come from? I thought Wonder Woman joined the Justice League of America a long time ago. Superman, Batman, help.

If you only knew how many women have cried on my shoulders and have then thrown temper tantrums at me when I tried to provide comfort to them. If I were you, I would stay single, dude, it ain’t worth it. I’m happy to be Joe Sixpack and walk around with a beer belly as long as wonder woman keeps her distance. Else, I’m calling the cops and filing for a restraining order–stalker!

Cheers.

sguise

I wouldn’t say women are perfect…but I still want one. If you can find a worthy woman, then it is definitely worth it! Beer, sports, and video games does sound pretty fun to me though. No beer belly though – I play too much basketball for that to happen. 🙂

Matt R

Hey Stephen,
As you know I’m the rejection guy.
I’ve done 10 but I did it the other way.
1. The man in the story does it like going up the escalator.
2. I do it a harder way just to really feel how I react to the rejection. I only ask girls out that are ridiculously pretty and very datable. It’s what I like to call, if you can be comfortable with girls you’re really attracted to, then everyone else is easy.

I remember the first girl I chatted with for five minutes. She added me on facebook. Then after 5 days she unfriended me. I think it comes down to people being really into their own groups (the oxytocin bonding is not created until you break a certain barrier), so defriended/unfriended is sometimes how it ends up. Aka a delayed rejection.

But it’s taught me so much.

Keep living it up.

David Harbour

Stephen,

What an incredibly open and honest self-assessment(especially for a guy, because you just know how our egos are). I commend you and wish for you to find that right one when the time comes, and it will.

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